Choosing your Career

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.

Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"Our son is going to be a politician!"

Read more...

One Kiss Per Yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old lady standing beside her, and smiled,

"Grandma will pay the bill."

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Golf Partners

Bart and Art have been a twosome on the links every day since they've been retired. One day, as they're putting on their golf shoes in the clubhouse, they get into a conversation about heaven and whether there are any golf courses there. They make a pact. The first one to die will come back and tell the other one. Bart dies first, and sure enough, comes back to visit Art.

Art says, "Well are there any golf courses in heaven?"

"I have good news and I have bad news," says Bart.

"We have the ultimate golf course in the sky and tournament which starts tomorrow."

"So what's the bad news?"

"You're my partner!"

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Engine Failure

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

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Politicians involved in a Bus Accident

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back."

The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

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The Best Salary Increment Request and Answer

One morning, a company manager discovered an unusual letter from one of his employee?

Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the $ingapore economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion.

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely, Norman $oh

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply

:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember

presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

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Office Truths

You and your boss

1. When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7. When you please your boss, you're ass creeping. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9. When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum. When your boss does the same, he appreciated the women there.
10. When you take a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss takes a day off sick, he must be very ill.
11. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

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The Perfect Worker

1 John Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle.  John works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues.  John never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time.  Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks.  John is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field.  I firmly believe that John can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with.  Consequently, I duly recommend that John be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today.  Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

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Who Shot Abraham Lincoln?

A not-too-bright candidate for the police force failed in the written examination. Since he was the Chief's nephew, the examiner decided to go easy on him with the oral test.

"Who shot Abraham Lincoln?", asked the examiner.

The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have sometime to come up with the answer. The examiner told him to come back the next morning.

When the would-be recruit went home, his wife asked, "Well, how did it go? Did you get the job?".

"I think so," he replied. "They have already got me working on a case".

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What their Dad do for a Living

A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick peoplebetter."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"

"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

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Funny Definitions about People

• Actor -- A man who tries to be everything but himself.
• Adult -- A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.
• Advice -- The one thing which is "More blessed to give than receive."
• Average Man -- One who thinks he isn't.
• Bank -- An institution where you can borrow money if you can present sufficient evidence to show that you don't need it.
• Bigamist -- One who makes the same mistake twice.
• Bore -- One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself.
• Bridge -- A card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal.
• Broadway -- A place where people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.
• Budget -- A method of worrying before you spend instead of afterward.
• Childish Game -- One at which someone beats you.
• Civilization -- A process of creating more needs than means to supply.
• Committee -- A body that keeps minutes and wastes hour.
• Conservative -- A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
• Creditor -- A man who has better money than a debtor.
• Criminal -- One who gets caught.
• Courtship -- The period during which the girl decides whether or not she can do any better.
• Critic -- A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches.
• Diamond -- A woman's idea of a stepping stone to success.
• Economy -- Denying us a necessity today in order to buy a luxury tomorrow.
• Egotist -- A man who tells you those things about himself which you intended to tell him about yourself.

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Priest Gives Birth

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Read more...

Beer Quotes

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

-- Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

-- Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.

-- William Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

-- Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

-- Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

-- Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

-- Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.

-- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

-- W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

-- Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

-- Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

-- Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

-- Brian O'Rourke

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

-- Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

-- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

-- Dave Barry

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.

-- Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

-- Dave Barry

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Brother-In-Law will pay the Hospital Bill

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Read more...

How to find whether you are Old...

"OLD" IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes.

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25th Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Read more...

Bribing the Pastor in Wedding

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom quietly slipped the pastor a $100 bill.

"Reverend," he whispered, "I'd be mighty obliged if you'd just happen to forget the part where I promise to love, honour, obey and be faithful to my wife forever."

The time came for the groom's vows during the actual wedding service.

The pastor looked the young man in the eye, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally, before God and your lovely wife, that you will never so much as look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped, looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

As a hymn was being sung, the furious groom leaned toward the priest. "I thought we had a deal," he hissed.

The pastor gently pressed the $100 bill into the young man's palm and whispered, "She made me a much better offer."

Read more...

After the Honeymoon

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like:
DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK..."!

Read more...

Urine Test

I and another man was taking a drug test for employment.

He relayed a true story to me of a man who once sought employment with him for another company.

This man was a drug user and needed to have some "pure" urine because he knew that his own would never pass the test.

He decided to get someone else to donate urine for him.

When the day came for him to submit his specimen, he carried his friend's urine sample into the restroom with him in his pocket, and then submitted it in the place of his own.

A couple of days later, he received the following call from the lab: "Mr. Smith (substituted name), we have some good news for you. We have received the results of your test and your urine is pure; you are drug free and healthy. And by the way, you're pregnant!"

Read more...

Top 12 things NOT to say to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
 

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
 

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

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Telling Blonde Joke to Blondes

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar.

He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies:

"Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional athlete and bodybuilder. "

"Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. "

"And next to her is a blonde who is 6'5", weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The guy thinks about it a second and says:

"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Read more...

Little Johny's Ambition

A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with their names

First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.
My name is Dan,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan ,
If I can, If I can, If I can.

"Very good", the teacher said to Dan. She then asked Sally that it was now her turn.

My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby
If I can, if I can, if I can.

"That is good Sally," the teacher said. "But maybe one day you will change your mind."

Next up was Lil' Johnny. He was the naughty one in the class . Here is his rhyme:

My name is Johnny,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind India and Japan ,
I'm gonna help Sally with her plan,
I know I can, I can, I can.

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The Best Way to scare an Elephant

A rather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.

"Excuse me", said the woman sitting next to him.

"But, would you mind explaining why you're doing this?"

"It scares away the elephants," replied the drunk.

"But I don't see any elephants around here," said the woman.

"Effective, isn't it?" crowed the drunk.

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A New Cellphone

For their first anniversary, a man bought his young wife a cell phone. She was thrilled and listened eagerly as he explained all its features.

The next day she was out shopping when the phone rang.

"Hey, darling," the husband said. "How do you like your new phone?"

"Oh, I just love it!" she gushed. "It's so cute and small and your voice sounds
so clear. But there's just one thing I don't understand."

"What's that?"

"How did you know I was at the sari shop?"

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Real Cheap

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit,"

Tom groused. Growing, disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

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Who is the Best? LAPD or FBI or CIA

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They

question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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A Fish worh 1500$

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

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A Great Dentist

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes, how did you figure that out ?'

The girl says: "Easy you keep washing your hands"

One thing led to another. They make love and after they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist how did you figure that out??'

The girl says: "Easy I didn't feel a thing."

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Little Johny is Stupid

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses.

She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am," he says, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

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Communication Flaws

From : Managing Director
To : Executive Director

"Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the
sun at nine o'clock. This is something which we cannot see
everyday. So let the work-force line up outside, in their best clothes to
watch it. To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally
explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining we will not be able to see it
very well and in that case the work force should assemble in the canteen."
-----------------------------------------------

From : Executive Director
To : Departmental Head

"By order of the Managing Director, there will be a
total eclipse of the sun at nine o' clock tomorrow morning.
If it is raining we will not be able to
see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case
the disappearance of the sun will be followed through
in the canteen. This is something we cannot
see happening everyday."
--------------------------------------------------

From : Departmental Heads
To : Sectional Heads

"By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow
the disappearance of the sun in our best clothes,
in the canteen at nine o'clock tomorrow morning.
The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going
to rain. This is something which we cannot see happen everyday."
-------------------------------------------------

From : Section Heads
To : Foreman

If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning,
which is something that we cannot see happen
everyday, the Managing director in his best clothes,
will disappear at nine o'clock."
--------------------------------------------------

From : Foreman
To : All Operators

Tomorrow morning at nine o' clock, the Managing
Director will disappear. It's a pity that we can't see
this happen everyday"

Read more...

Best Way to Answer a Tough Question in an Interview

There was a student who was desirous taking admission for the IIM study course. He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview.

Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly.

The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy

"Tell me your choice," he saidto the boy 

"What's your choice? I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind!"

The boy thought for a while and said my choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you ,you have made your own choice!"

said the man on the opposite side. "Now tell me this. What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said, "It's the DAY sir!"

"How??????" the interviewer was smiling at last. "I got you" he said to himself

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

And the admission for the course was thus secured. !

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Mathematics Paper

Once an intelligent boy comes home and tells his father,

"Dad I got an 'F' grade in Maths."

The father is shocked and asks: "Why?"

The son replies: "The teacher asked me what is 6 multiplied by 4. I replied 24. Then she again asked me what is 4 multiplied by 6."

The father gets irritated and exclaims: "So what's the fuckin' difference?"

The son says: "That's the same thing I told my teacher."

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The Best way to escape from a Cop

Officer: May I see your Driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the Officer immediately called his Captain, the car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the Driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The Officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

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Multi Balls - Adult Joke

Once an abnormal guy went to a doctor. His abnormality was that he had three balls. He thought it to be a reproductive abnormality so he wanted to consult a doctor.

But he was a little hesitant to present his situation to the doctor. So he tried to explain it to him indirectly. He said, ''Doctor ,if you combine your and my balls, then the result will be five!''

The doctor was amazed to hear that. He stood up and asked the patient, ''You poor guy, have you got only one?'

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First Grade Lesson

A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the "Three Little Pigs."

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.

She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw, and said, "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"

Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

A boy raised his hand and said, "I know! I know!

He said, 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"

Read more...

The Best Bank Robbery by Blondes

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.

The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank, stopped the car and said to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," replied Buffie.

Buffie went in the bank while Judy waited in the getaway car. One minute passed...three minutes pass...seven minutes pass...and Judy was really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came Buffie. She had a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she got the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he was firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Judy yelled, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Buffie said, "I did. I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," snapped Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said, 'Tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!'"

Read more...

The best way to explain GOD...

THIS ONE IS FABULOUS!!!

It was written by an 8 year old, for his third grade homework assignment. The assignment was to explain God. Wonder if any
of us could do as well???

EXPLAIN GOD
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers."

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of
a way to turn it off."

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have."

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church."

"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said "O.K."

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important."

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time."

"You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway."

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids."

But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.

And...that's why I believe in God.

Read more...

Eating Grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he
saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he
got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too
kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

Read more...

The Best Fire Truck in the Department

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.

The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so
someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.


The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames.

The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1,000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

Read more...

Blonde's First Assignment

A blonde was recently hired at our office.
Her first task was to go out for coffee.

Eager to do well her first day on the job,
she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker
quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos,
Hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied,
"Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.

"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.

Read more...

The Luckiest Person

Mike and Steve are talking about their respective weekends when the
subject of picking up ladies pops up.

"I must say I am doing fine in that department," says Mike. "This
weekend I hooked up with that new secretary Jenny Smith."

"Jenny Smith!" Steve exclaims, "What happened?"

"Let us just say I got lucky."

"I have heard about Jenny," Steve says, "and I would not call it lucky."

"I would," Mike says smugly.

"In that case," Steve replies, "you are the luckiest guy with herpes I know!"

Read more...

Wise Mother's Advice

A woman says to her mother, "I am divorcing Sheldon! All he wants is
anal sex and my rear end is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it
used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Mother says, "You are married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you
live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $3,000 a
week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all
that away for 45 cents?!?"

Read more...

Little Johny's Trouser Pocket

Miss Smith was testing her 2nd grade class's imagination. She put
her hand in a box, removed something without the class seeing what
it was, put her hand behind her back and asked, "Class I am holding
something in my hand, it's round, red and is edible, what is it?

Several hands went up. Miss Smith said, "Yes Robert"

Robert, "Is it an apple?"

Miss Smith replied, "No Robert. Who else can try?" Peter called
out, "It's an orange."

The young teacher said, "No." James shouted, "It's a tomato!"

"Very good James, that's correct," the teacher answered.

Little Johnny's hand shot up as he said "Miss Smith, I also want to
test the class's imagination."

Miss Smith was reluctant to call on Little Johnny due to his
propensity to use foul language, but said, "Okay, go ahead"

Johnny putting his hand in his trousers pocket says, "I am holding
something in my hand, its three inches long and has a head, what is
it?"

The class was quiet and no one had their hand up. The teacher
thought quickly and said in a disgusted voice, "Johnny sit down and
keep quiet. I don't want to hear any of your silly jokes."

Johnny, smiling, removes his hand from his pocket and says, "It's a
match stick, Miss Smith, but you have a lot of imagination."

Read more...

The Greatest Wish your Boss Asks a Genie

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Read more...

Missed Oppurtunity

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Read more...

800 Dollars

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.


The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.


When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.


Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Read more...

Marrying a Virgin

George has decided to get married, but not just to anybody. He wants
to marry a virgine, a good girl that hasn't fooled around and won't
ever. After a bit of thinking, he makes up this scheme to tell "good
girls" from "bad girls".

One day, as he's going down the street, he spots Janice, one of the
three young women on his "eligible" list. He walks right up to her,
pulls down his pants and flashes her.

"Well, Janice," he sais, "what do you reckon this is?"

"Why, it's a dick, of course," replies Janice instantly.

Obviously, Janice has been with men before, thinks George, and he
cuts her off the list.

Next on the list is Christine. After finding her, he goes on and
flashes her too.

"Tell me, Christine, what do you think this is?"

"It's your dick, George," answers Christine.

Off the list goes Christine.

His final hope is in Mary. He finds her and proceeds to the
flashing.

"Mary, what do you think this is?" asks George.

Mary looks at his dick for a whole minute, then finaly answers. "I
honestly don't know, George, I'm sorry."

"ARE YOU SURE?" asks George again, unbelieving. "Here, study it all
you want, just be sure."

Mary takes her time and studies George's organ for a full quarter of
an hour.

"Sorry, George, I still can't tell what it could possibly be."

George is thrilled, and proposes to her. A few weeks later, they are
married. It's their first night together. They both go to bed,
naked, and George feels it's time to explain a few things to his
wife.

"Mary, I'm going to learn you something very important. See this
thing here, between my legs. That's a dick."

"THAT is a dick?" gasps Mary. "You should see John's!"

Read more...

Little Johny Pulling Wagon

Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was
packing everything in his room and putting it in his little red
wagon.

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when
he came to this hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn
thing is so heavy"

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said
the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the
church...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

The priest replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"
Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start
pulling"

Read more...

Princess's Curse

Once upon a time there lived a king. The King had a beautiful
daughter,
the Princess.

But the kingdom was a sad place.

There was no laughter, and no joy.

The problem was, that everything the Princess touched would melt.

No matter what, metal, wood, plastic...anything she touched would
melt!!

Because of this, men were afraid of her.

Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired.

What could he do to help his beautiful daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that
does
not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The King was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man
who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt at her
touch,
would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first Prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium.

When the Princess touched it, it melted... The Prince went away
sadly.

The second Prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that
diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt.

But, alas, once the Princess touched it, it melted. He too went away
disappointed.

The third Prince approached. He told the Princess, "Put your hand in
my
pocket and feel what is in there."

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand...and it did not
melt!!

The King was overjoyed!

Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed!

And the third Prince married the Princess and the both lived happily
ever after.

The question is?!?!?!?

What WAS the object in the Prince's pocket???

They were M&M's, of course. THEY melt in your MOUTH, NOT in your
HAND!!

(What were YOU thinking?)

Read more...

Zoology Test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and
the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one
week of study, a test was held.The professor passed out a sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs.
No bodies, no feet, just legs.

The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. Our
student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally
he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the
teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."

The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in
anything
and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"


The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said,

"You tell me..."

Read more...

Superman's Day Out

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and
wanted to go out and party.

He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some
young girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman "SMS" Spiderman to see if he
Fancied a few beers but Spiderman said he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to
see if she was free.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed
With her legs open and her eyes closed.

Superman thought to himself,

"So exotic, should I or shouldn't I ...wait ....I'm faster than a
speeding bullet! I can be in there out again before she knew what
happened."

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off
happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "What is going on? Did you
hear anything ...?"
..
..
..
..
..
..

Hollow -Man replied, "No! But....... my AS* hurts like hell!!!!!"

Read more...

Teaching English

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:

"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go."

She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to
prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the
lamb went with her."

A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny
raised his hand and said,

"Mary had a little pig --
An scrawny little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"

"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."

Read more...

Handless Man

A man was very sad because he had lost one of his arms and he wanted
to do alot of things that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself,
I still have one good arm to do things with.

There goes a man with no arms, skipping down the sidewalk happy and
going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms.

He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his
arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself.

He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make
it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

The arm-less man replies,

"I'm NOT happy; my butt itches!"

Read more...

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!

Read more...

Fertility Clinic

One of your stories reminded me of a story I have told many times.

I work in OB GYN in a women hospital.

One of our doc's tells of working in a fertility clinic during his training. A very heavy woman came to them and said she had been trying to get pregnant for 3 yrs.

When he got her in the stirrups he found out she was still a virgin. He asked her if her husband penetrated her when they had sex.

She laughed and said,"He thinks he does!"

Read more...

Kissing Death

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.

They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.

However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.

His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.

She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted.

She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."

He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!"

She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.

He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"

She said, "Why are you going to die?"

He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!"

Read more...

Jamie's Robot

Jamie's Dad brought home a robot one day.

The robot had the ability to detect lies and would slap the person who lied. Jamie returned late from school

Dad asked, Son why are you late from school?


Dad, we had extra classes today, the robot slapped Jamie on his face.


Dad shouted, "come on tell me the truth, why are you late?"

Dad, I went to see the movie Ten Commandments, Jamie got another slap from the robot.

Sorry dad, I went to see the movie "Red Hot Queen".


"Shame on you son, when I was your age, I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved",........ immediately, he gets a hot slap on the face from the robot.


Jamie's mom comes walking out of the kitchen and says to her husband… "After all, he's your son!"
the robot steps up and slaps Jamie's mom :D

Read more...

Little Johny Jokes

One day Lil Johny says to his father:

I want to get married.

Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?
Johny: Yes , Grandma
Father: What? There is a problem now, you want to marry my Mother?
Johny: Why not? You married my mother

__________________________________

L.Johnny: Can I go to the toilet?

Teacher: Johhny, MAY I go to the toilet?

L.Johnny: But I asked first!

__________________________________

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

__________________________________________________

"Johnny, did your Mother help you with your homework last night?" the teacher asked.

"No, she did it all," Little Johnny replied.

__________________________________________________
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try, right?"

________________________________________
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Little Johnny: One dollar.

Teacher(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don't know my father

__________________________
Teacher: "Hello boys, Remember!!! Nothing is impossible."

Little Johnny: "OK sir, could you please squeeze out all the toothpaste and put back it into the tube again."

Read more...

James' Beard

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.

"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

Read more...

Money Tree

My college-age daughter returned home for a visit last weekend.

After spending the morning with her mother and me, she excitedly told us her plans for the afternoon and ended with a request for some pocket money.

With an exaggerated sigh and roll of my eyes, I reached for my wallet. "Maybe you'd like a money tree out in the backyard," I grumbled, winking at my wife.

Kissing me on the cheek, and with a grin of her own, she replied, "Oh, no, Daddy. We'd never replace you!"

Read more...

Math Homework

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." "Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.

The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Jones. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Jones about Johnny's different way of doing math and his claims that Ms. Jones taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did.

Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

Read more...

Going Heaven

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

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Farmer Gossman

Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated..."

The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet asks, "What happened?"

Farmer Gossman answers, "The horse blew first."

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Birhtday Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year ! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."



All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

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Financial Problem

A couple was having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it anymore.

The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.

So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.

"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.

"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents".

"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"

Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

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$200 for a prostitute

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!

She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.

By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?"

The fireman says, "No!"

The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."

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Hated each other

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old fool dig. I had him buried upside down."

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Peanuts on the table

An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other.

The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.

One day while the older man was away from his desk, the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.

When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.

The old man responded, "That's OK. Since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off the M&Ms."

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Missing Husband

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

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Caught by the Cop

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over.The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.

State cop: "License and registration please."

Man: "I`m sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"

State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."

Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"

State cop: "I`m also citing you for having a tail light out."

Man: "But officer, I wasn`t aware it was out."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it`s been out for two months."

State cop: "I`m also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."

Man: "Listen you dumb *&^%$, shut your !@#$` mouth!!!"

State cop: "Ma`am, does he always talk to you this way?"

Wife: "Only when he`s drunk......."

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Blind man ordering in a Restaurant

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

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Blonde's Mailbox

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"

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Who is a better Programmer? Jesus or Satan

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

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Blonde in a Flight School

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

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Why I fired my Secretary

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.


When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.


Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room.


In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.

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