Golf Partners

Bart and Art have been a twosome on the links every day since they've been retired. One day, as they're putting on their golf shoes in the clubhouse, they get into a conversation about heaven and whether there are any golf courses there. They make a pact. The first one to die will come back and tell the other one. Bart dies first, and sure enough, comes back to visit Art.

Art says, "Well are there any golf courses in heaven?"

"I have good news and I have bad news," says Bart.

"We have the ultimate golf course in the sky and tournament which starts tomorrow."

"So what's the bad news?"

"You're my partner!"

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Engine Failure

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

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Politicians involved in a Bus Accident

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back."

The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

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The Best Salary Increment Request and Answer

One morning, a company manager discovered an unusual letter from one of his employee?

Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the $ingapore economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion.

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely, Norman $oh

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply

:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember

presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

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Office Truths

You and your boss

1. When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7. When you please your boss, you're ass creeping. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9. When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum. When your boss does the same, he appreciated the women there.
10. When you take a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss takes a day off sick, he must be very ill.
11. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

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The Perfect Worker

1 John Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle.  John works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues.  John never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time.  Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks.  John is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field.  I firmly believe that John can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with.  Consequently, I duly recommend that John be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today.  Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

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Who Shot Abraham Lincoln?

A not-too-bright candidate for the police force failed in the written examination. Since he was the Chief's nephew, the examiner decided to go easy on him with the oral test.

"Who shot Abraham Lincoln?", asked the examiner.

The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have sometime to come up with the answer. The examiner told him to come back the next morning.

When the would-be recruit went home, his wife asked, "Well, how did it go? Did you get the job?".

"I think so," he replied. "They have already got me working on a case".

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What their Dad do for a Living

A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick peoplebetter."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"

"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

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Funny Definitions about People

• Actor -- A man who tries to be everything but himself.
• Adult -- A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.
• Advice -- The one thing which is "More blessed to give than receive."
• Average Man -- One who thinks he isn't.
• Bank -- An institution where you can borrow money if you can present sufficient evidence to show that you don't need it.
• Bigamist -- One who makes the same mistake twice.
• Bore -- One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself.
• Bridge -- A card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal.
• Broadway -- A place where people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.
• Budget -- A method of worrying before you spend instead of afterward.
• Childish Game -- One at which someone beats you.
• Civilization -- A process of creating more needs than means to supply.
• Committee -- A body that keeps minutes and wastes hour.
• Conservative -- A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
• Creditor -- A man who has better money than a debtor.
• Criminal -- One who gets caught.
• Courtship -- The period during which the girl decides whether or not she can do any better.
• Critic -- A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches.
• Diamond -- A woman's idea of a stepping stone to success.
• Economy -- Denying us a necessity today in order to buy a luxury tomorrow.
• Egotist -- A man who tells you those things about himself which you intended to tell him about yourself.

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Priest Gives Birth

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

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Beer Quotes

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

-- Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

-- Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.

-- William Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

-- Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

-- Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

-- Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

-- Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.

-- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

-- W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

-- Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

-- Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

-- Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

-- Brian O'Rourke

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

-- Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

-- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

-- Dave Barry

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.

-- Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

-- Dave Barry

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Brother-In-Law will pay the Hospital Bill

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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How to find whether you are Old...

"OLD" IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes.

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