Homework

Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio, what'd you learn in school today?"

Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."

Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room, crying.

Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?"

Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!"

Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they do learn. It's called sex education!"

Well, Grandma felt so bad about hitting Antonio that she went upstairs to apologize. She opened his door and found him masturbating on his bed. She then said, "Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come down and talk to me."

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Telephone Network

American scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper.
After studying these pieces for a long time, America announced that the ancient Americans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the Japanese government was not that easily impressed.
They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they round small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Japanese 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net.

Filipino scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Filipinos 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones!!!

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Memory loss for an Old Cuple

An 80 year old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.



When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with Strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

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Super Glue

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered.

The salesman asked if his father was at home.
Little Johnny: "Yes."

The salesman: "Well, can I see him please?"
Little Johnny: "No, he is in the shower."

The Salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Little Johnny: "Yes."

The Salesman: "Well can I see her?"
Little Johnny: "No, she's in the shower too.."

The Salesman: "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Little Johnny: "No."

The salesman asked why.
Little Johnny: "Well, when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue instead."

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All You Can Drink

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one.
He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one.

This goes on for at least an hour and a half.

Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"

"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."

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The Career Ambitions of Babies

Three babies in a woman's womb were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.

The first one said. "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky here."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So that I can get some lights in here, its very dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.

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Time to go School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

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US Military Ship

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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